Explore Life's Truths

Grief I ache, so deep. Grief, you show up in many realms of my world. You show up in the form of him. You pain me and chill me to my bones. Severely anxious. When summoned by this shadow of grief, I remember a time of shame, guilt, fear. I remember a time of being put down by every loud, violent word. I am haunted by the presence of this kind of grief because it remembers the pain within a certain heartstring that has been in remission. I remember the feeling of not being good enough. Hidden. Ashamed. Lied to. I remember that drive on the highway, looking over and seeing you. That face, and that deep, aching feeling. I remember that night without a ride. I remember, September 9th. Grief, you show up in the form of her. Soft, pretty blonde hair. Big hazel eyes. The cleanest bed sheets you ever seen. The smell of popcorn covering up dorm room weed. Purple fuzzy butterfly wings and glow up bunny ears. The deepest laugh, I’ve ever heard. This shadow of grief reminds me of the unfairness of this world. A world that will never be the same. I imagine her mom, her dad, her brother. I imagine that gun to her head and the fear in her heart. I remember, September 9th. Grief, you show up when you don’t even exist yet. You show up in the words of my dearest loved ones. “I don’t want to live like that.” “Here’s where my lock box key is, for when my time comes.” “I’m worried about your mother.” Grief, you haunt me. You provoke me. You sting me. And yet you haven’t even hit yet. I remember February 9th. Grief, you show up in many realms of my world. I ache, so deep.

Since it’s International Men’s Day, I’d like to take this opportunity to open up the conversation about what it means to “be a man.” In today’s society, what we define as masculinity ultimately has nothing to do with what it really means to be a man. We spread shame and guilt if a man is not big a muscular. We shame if a man sheds some tears. We shame over genital cut and size and we promote guilt if a man has a low sex drive. We say that real men cannot be passive, or vulnerable. We say that men have to be tops, dominant, and a financial head. These are all characteristics that our society labels unmanly. To me, these characteristics sounds like humanity. It sounds real, authentic, and truly human. The shame and guilt we put in these qualities are toxic. This is toxic masculinity. Help me in my fight to end this, to save our male identities and the rest of our population. My fight is your fight. Happy International Men’s Day

Alexis was my first friend during my Freshman year of undergrad at CU Boulder. We met at a party in one of the Frat houses, and she lived in the dorms next to mine. Our vibes immediately connected, and we were good buddies instantly. We partied a lot, but we got good grades. We worked hard, and we partied harder. Her and Samantha always let me sleep on the floor of their Libby dorm room when I didn't want to walk across the street to my own. We popped popcorn to mask the smell dorm room shenanigans, and we told our deepest passions and secrets. Alexis was full of light, laughter, and sunshine. She had the cleanest sheets of any college freshman I had ever seen. She had a love for butterflies, and I remember her butterfly wings hanging above her bed. She helped me feel like I was at home at a place I truly felt uncomfortable in. On September 9th, 2019 - Alexis was shot in the head by her boyfriend. My dad called me to bear the news, and I froze in time. The space around me dissipated, my ears rang, and tears fell from my eyes. How could Alexis be gone from this Earth? How could someone she loves hold a gun to her head, and pull the trigger? I feel guilt that I had not been closer to her in the years following my departure from CU Denver, and I felt remorse that I wasn't around to help her through any struggles she had been going through. I knew she was troubled when we were close, yet it didn't occur to me to guide her in a different direction. I know its not my fault, but I wish I could have done more or extended my heart a little bit deeper. I know Alexis is somewhere around her shedding the light inside of her. My heart will be forever broken for her, but will remain hopeful that her spirit is now free. Rest in paradise, sweet sweet angel. I love you. I miss you. I will always remember you.